In Vein

I went to the hospital for my kidney tests today. I have had a dodgy kidney since I was in Mommy’s tummy. It is only marginally wonky, but the doctors have conducted a lot of tests on me to find out why it doesn’t work as well as it should. As none of the tests were conclusive, they asked us to come in for a ‘Maggie’. A Maggie is a test where they pass a tiny dose of radioactive fluid through a vein so they can follow it’s journey through the kidney and find the blockage. When Daddy explained this to me, I quite fancied being mildly radioactive like a superhero (which, of course, many of my fans think I am, but I’m not. Not really) but it didn’t turn out to be much fun after all.

I haven’t been very well lately and hadn’t slept much when I was awakened at 6 am (I could’ve said ‘rudely’ but actually Mommy woke me up with milk and a cuddle) to go to the hospital. We arrived early and were shown into a playroom where I found a drum to bang on (give me a noisy toy and I’m content) and thought this may be a good day after all. But it was not to be. I should have guessed when the strange wheezy baby next to me was taken away that this was not a happy place for babies.

First, I was stripped and weighed on freezing cold scales, then stretched on this rack like thing to check my height. As a final indignity before the main tests began, a wee bag was left dangling from a certain part of my body- embarrassing and uncomfortable!

I was then taken down to the ultrasound room where a doctor spread an icky goo on my chest and back and then prodded me for the next twenty minutes with a cold thingammie whilst the very irritating Tinky Winky, Dipsy and Lala pranced on strings above me. What really got my goat was that he totally ignored my cries of protest to stare fixedly at some squiggly grey things squirming on a screen. Mommy told me later that he was looking at pictures of my kidney, which is all very well, I know people find every inch of me fascinating, but couldn’t I have been spared the torture of the dancing Teletubbies?

Finally, the big moment arrived and I was put on another icy table to be prepped for ‘Maggie’. I had a grim foreboding that this was not going to be a lark when they put numbing anaesthetic gel on my hands and feet. As if not being able to feel your extremities wasn’t bad enough, the nurse then brought out a battery of needles and started sticking them into me! I howled and howled. I howled so hard that Mommy burst into tears! Daddy carried on stoically jiggling a purple spotted bear (was it ill?) in front of me but I could see he wasn’t too keen on proceedings either.

But it was all in vain (it’s a good thing we, babies, have short memories, I can now see the funny side of this morning’s events). Once they had jabbed me in every conceivable place looking for a vein to stick the intravenous tube into and drawn a blank, they had to call it off, but not before I’d managed to pinch the nurse hard for making Mommy cry and me, feel like a pincushion!

I slept all the way home after that and woke to kisses and cuddles from Mommy and Daddy, and milk, the cure for all ills (sadly, not for a loopy kidney)!

Unfortunately, this story doesn’t end here as I may be recalled for a Maggie when I’m slightly older and have less elusive veins, but we are all keeping our fingers crossed that the consultant looks at the results of the string of tests taken today and declares me well enough to be given the ‘all clear’!